Oh, The Things She’d Say…

What would you say to your younger self? The lottery numbers, of course… 

On a more serious note, I was lying in bed the other night and my brain went on one of those crazy trips where it thought up another imaginary situation. You know, things that could never happen but are so fun to dream about anyway. 

That night it was about what would happen if my 16-year-old self met me today. Would we get along? Would she be happy to see what I’ve become? I was lying there and thinking about all the dreams she had, and how none of them came true. And how I would explain that to her. 

I guess I’d start by telling her to stop wanting to become an adult so badly. Being an adult is nothing like it seemed, she earns more money now, yet somehow she is still broke. 

I’d tell her to relax, nothing she worries about now is going matter in a year. I’d tell her that even all those things she spent hours of thoughts on became nothing – or turned out completely different than she imagined them. I’d tell her that things happened which she never could have imagined. 

I’d tell that boys still suck, but she’ll find a nice one just as soon as she stops looking. 

I’d tell her not to get upset when she can’t have Mcdonalds over the weekend, one day she’ll have Mcdonalds for breakfast, lunch and dinner and with dinner happening at 2 am she’d give anything for a home cooked meal. 

I’d tell her that she still hasn’t found herself, but it’s okay, she’s not lost. She’s just wandering. 

Then I guess I would mention that she should stop trying to diet. It’s many years later and she’s still fat, so just go ahead and eat those fries and be happy. Never eat warmed up fries though, they suck. 

After this discussion she would probably be so confused, but maybe she would look at her teenage life a little differently. 

And then, just as this thought ended and I finally closed my eyes… my brain came with another thought. 

What if I could meet my future self now? Oh, the things she’d say… 

STOP! What are you Doing? 

My boss said the following the other day: “Some people don’t want to come to work because they want to spend time with their loved ones. That’s so stupid!” And my mind just about exploded… 

I get that money makes the world go around and we all have bills to pay, but when did work become so important that we put it before anything else? Before the ones we love, before the things we love, before our life? 

My friend had to get an operation a few months ago and he argued with the doctors because he did not want to miss a week of work. I could not understand the logic… it was his health -it was life or death – and he put work first. 

Death is such a big deal yet we hardly think about it. How many times do you have to hear “you only live once” before it will sink in?

The world needs to rethink its priorities. 
Now I’m not saying we should all go and quit our jobs, I’m just saying that maybe you should take a Sunday off, go to the doctor when it’s needed and don’t feel guilty if you’re going out for ice cream with the kids. 

Do you really just want to pay bills and die? 

In another morning meeting with my boss she mentioned how she had every detail of her life planned out; how she had money put away for incase “this” happened, how she was stressed about how “that” could happend so she put another million away. She went on about how good all of this is and how the rest of us should start planning for the future and start putting money away. 

But the entire time all I kept thinking was… why

If my boss and her entire family got into a car accident tomorrow on the way to dropping their kids at school – and died – all that money she worked so hard for and saved up would mean nothing. 

I do not have the need to plan out every little detail of my life when it could end at any moment. I like the unpredictability of life, it adds a little jazz. 

By now you probably see me as a reckless money spender who barely shows up to work, but in reality I love my job. I feel proud when I’ve made money and I do sometimes put work first. But not all the time. 

I just know that life is more important than making a living… and quite frankly I like to remind people about that. 

So here’s your reminder: go LIVE! 

Being BADLY in Love 

Love comes in all kinds of shapes and forms, each with different battles and feelings. Love is always strong but never the same.
Today I’d like to tell you about three kinds of love I’ve fallen into. The first being a deadly one.
This is the story about my first love, and like I’m sure most “first love” stories go it’s not a happy one. 

I was so excited to have my first real boyfriend; someone to hold hands with as  we walk in the mall, my goodnight text before bed, my guaranteed date for Valentines Day. 

It took me about seven months to finally tell this guy I loved him. And I knew I loved him because I would’ve done anything for him. Anything. I remember sitting one day and thinking about whether I would die for him, really die for him if I had to. And I knew I would, it’s not like I could live without him anyway.

Unfortunately it turned out he wasn’t my prince on a white horse ( he never looked much like Prince Charming to begin with).  He apparently didn’t like holding hands, he kept falling asleep before saying goodnight and on Valentines day he chose to spend the romantic day with his best friend instead of me. 

Nevertheless I kept fighting for this relationship to work. I was convinced that if I loved him that much he couldn’t be wrong for me. It took me about a year and a half to realize what this really was: desperate love. 

So I finally decided to let it go, when one night in a club I met love story number two. This was a fun one. 

I’ve always been fond of foreigners so when a sexy Canadian guy asked for my number I couldn’t resist. He took me on several fun dates and for the first time my cheeks started hurting from smiling. 

I’m pretty sure I fell for him within a few days because suddenly I wasn’t myself anymore. He was like a drug, he put me on a kind of high where nothing could get to me and I was able to do anything. 

We went to a music festival together and for a few weeks I got to live in a movie. I had the perfect guy from a foreign place who spun my life into a wild adventure. I would’ve married him the day I met him, just like in those fairy tales. 

We would’ve lived happily ever after if I didn’t find out he had a girlfriend back in Canada. As the clock striked 12 and my fairy tale ended I was very disappointed, but in all honesty I was never mad. 

I got to be someone I never thought I’d be and felt things I didn’t know existed. Although it was only for a while and although this love was not realistic it was a blast. It was extraordinary love. 

Many guys and many love lessons later I met the love of my life. 

How do I know he is the love of my life? Because of the way I love him.

Our love is secure, yet I am free. I am 100 percent, completely me, yet he is my everything. 

Our love didn’t require for me to change a thing, yet I wanted to change… only for the better

When I look up the sky is still the same colour but when I look at him somehow my heart beats faster. 

This is what I call true love. 

So why did I write about all of this? I guess it’s just to show that just because you love someone it doesn’t mean they’re the one for you. Real love won’t ask you to sacrifice your happiness. 

Enjoy all the kinds of love you fall into and learn something from each love, but don’t be too upset if it doesn’t last. 

Not all love is forever and once you find your forever love you will understand why the others couldn’t last. 

Wishing you all the best in love ❤️ 

Depression III

I think it’s eating my soul

As I once again fall

Oh now I feel it all

I was just fine this morning…

I’d tell them what was wrong 

If only I could figure out what’s going on
Come on, hold on! 

Why aren’t you strong? 
I stare blankly at the wall…the darkness looks so complicated 

I think about everything and how much I hate it. 
I don’t see it now but I know somehow a good day will come and although it won’t stay

It will be a moment… 
a moment free of sadness, a moment free of pain and a moment free of numbness. 
A free moment. 

Hate: A Valentines Day Edition 

It’s the love you try to push away,It’s the punishment for the one who didn’t stay.

It’s a devious little devilish way to only convince us we’re okay, 

When really it’s the monster causing all the pain… 

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and I’ve been seeing a lot of posts going around tackling the issue of love or romance. I was about to make a post about that myself; when something gave me the idea to write about the opposite: HATE. 

When I was little the word HATE was seen as a very strong, sinful word. If one of my friends or the kids in my class would use the word it would be followed by a gasp or scolding. 

As I got older the word started losing it’s intensity, and although us adults tend to casually throw the word around, we forget what a strong impact this word can have. Or should I rather say – this action…

When we are in pain or someone does us wrong or life doesn’t go our way we unintentionally build up a lot of hate towards that person or situation. We see hate as a punishment for the person who did us wrong or a defense mechanism against the pain or sadness. We think it’s easier to be angry or that we are hurting someone by hating them when in reality we are simply hurting and punishing ourselves. 

If sad is the opposite of happy and hate is the opposite of love then love can make you happy but hate can only make you sad. 
Read that again. 

So, for this Valentines Day, I am not telling you to love everyone but simply not to hate anyone. 

I could go on to tell you more about love but in all honesty I don’t know that much about love. I just know that the lack of it is bad and that the opposite of it is even worse. 

Happy Valentines Day! 💖

About your Blog

Glorified online journals – this is how an article on Huffpost discribes blogs from a few years back. This got me thinking… why do people blog today? 

I was playing with the idea of starting my own blog for a long time before I actually went ahead and did it. One of the reasons I was having doubts was because of the millions of other blogs that were already out there. 

I was constantly concerned that my new blog would simply get lost between the millions of other good ones; that there is so much good content out there that no one would be interested in anything I have to say. 

After a few months I decided to let go of this idea and make peace with the fact that if even 10 people read a post I make and take something from it that would be satisfying enough. 

It is now a few more months later and I am beyond satisfied with the fact that I did start a blog. 

That is my story… and I always wonder about other writer’s stories. When I read through all the different posts on WordPress I wonder what motivated each person to start a blog and what the inspiration behind every post is. 

I have many different things that inspire me: 

From the ideas that pop into my head at 3am – when I know I have to be up 2 hours later – to the tiny things that catch my eye when I’m driving, then tickles my mind. 

My moods especially, the happy moments when my heart’s joy bursts into creative words; the times when I feel extreme pain and writing is my only medicine. 
I would love to know what your reason was for starting a blog, or where you get your ideas for your posts. Let me know in a comment if you feel like sharing. 

To me this is just another bit of proof that writing is magic… look how a simple idea can burst into a significant story.

What would the world be without writers?! 

Depression II

It’s the monster that creeps in the night,

You can also see it during the day
It’s the thing that fights you everytime you try to feel okay

It’s the internal tears on a perfect day,

It’s the hurt you can’t push away

It’s the scars you create in your own heart

It’s the countless times you fall apart 

It’s the neverending dissappointment and pain

For reasons you can’t explain 
It comes with unpredictable timing, 

It’s stronger than you think
If you don’t end it, it will eventually end everything 


Your ghost is all over the house today – I touch the things your fingerprints stained…

How could you leave me this way?

The more I try to forget the worse it gets. The more I try to remember the scarier it becomes that I’ll miss you forever. 

Your voice echoes through my mind like my pain echoes through this room

Oh how I miss you

Let’s Test

How far would you go for someone you love? 

I am always the kind of person who would go out of my way for those I love. I would always be the friend who texts first and makes the plans, I would be the one who drives out to see my friends, I would even pay for our drinks and lunch from time to time. 

A few weeks ago however, I got into a car accident and broke two of my hip bones. This put me out of order: I was unable to walk, my car had been written off, I was too weak to text most of the time and basically I was just in stuck in bed to recover. 

This turned out to be a great test. With me being unable to do anything for anyone… Who would do something for me? 

I must say the result was pretty shocking. I got phone calls and visits and care packages from many of my loved ones, friends of mine who didn’t even have cars spend money on an Uber to make it to me, people found time in their busy schedules to send me their consent. Now these are the kind of people I want in my life. 

On the other hand some of the “friends” I’ve done so much for in the past were completely absent; they didn’t even care enough to ask how I was. I guess not everyone has the same kind heart that I have. 

This made me decide to filter my friend list. If someone would do nothing for me why should I do everything for them? Enough was enough. 

I highly recommend everyone to do this test. Now I’m not saying you should get into an accident and break your hip – in fact, please DON’T do that, it’s very painful – I’m just saying stop doing stuff for people for a while. 

Take a week and don’t drive to anyone, don’t make the first call, just stay at home and do your thing and see who comes your way. Those who do can stay. 

When we are kind and loving, people tend to take advantage of that and we tend to let them. Sometimes we forget to put ourselves first and we are so focused on how to keep others happy we don’t see that they are the reason for our own unhappiness. 

Don’t be afraid to edit your friend list very often – stop trying to win your friends over and rather make sure that they deserve you!