Being BADLY in Love 

Love comes in all kinds of shapes and forms, each with different battles and feelings. Love is always strong but never the same.
Today I’d like to tell you about three kinds of love I’ve fallen into. The first being a deadly one.
This is the story about my first love, and like I’m sure most “first love” stories go it’s not a happy one. 

I was so excited to have my first real boyfriend; someone to hold hands with as  we walk in the mall, my goodnight text before bed, my guaranteed date for Valentines Day. 

It took me about seven months to finally tell this guy I loved him. And I knew I loved him because I would’ve done anything for him. Anything. I remember sitting one day and thinking about whether I would die for him, really die for him if I had to. And I knew I would, it’s not like I could live without him anyway.

Unfortunately it turned out he wasn’t my prince on a white horse ( he never looked much like Prince Charming to begin with).  He apparently didn’t like holding hands, he kept falling asleep before saying goodnight and on Valentines day he chose to spend the romantic day with his best friend instead of me. 

Nevertheless I kept fighting for this relationship to work. I was convinced that if I loved him that much he couldn’t be wrong for me. It took me about a year and a half to realize what this really was: desperate love. 

So I finally decided to let it go, when one night in a club I met love story number two. This was a fun one. 

I’ve always been fond of foreigners so when a sexy Canadian guy asked for my number I couldn’t resist. He took me on several fun dates and for the first time my cheeks started hurting from smiling. 

I’m pretty sure I fell for him within a few days because suddenly I wasn’t myself anymore. He was like a drug, he put me on a kind of high where nothing could get to me and I was able to do anything. 

We went to a music festival together and for a few weeks I got to live in a movie. I had the perfect guy from a foreign place who spun my life into a wild adventure. I would’ve married him the day I met him, just like in those fairy tales. 

We would’ve lived happily ever after if I didn’t find out he had a girlfriend back in Canada. As the clock striked 12 and my fairy tale ended I was very disappointed, but in all honesty I was never mad. 

I got to be someone I never thought I’d be and felt things I didn’t know existed. Although it was only for a while and although this love was not realistic it was a blast. It was extraordinary love. 

Many guys and many love lessons later I met the love of my life. 

How do I know he is the love of my life? Because of the way I love him.

Our love is secure, yet I am free. I am 100 percent, completely me, yet he is my everything. 

Our love didn’t require for me to change a thing, yet I wanted to change… only for the better

When I look up the sky is still the same colour but when I look at him somehow my heart beats faster. 

This is what I call true love. 

So why did I write about all of this? I guess it’s just to show that just because you love someone it doesn’t mean they’re the one for you. Real love won’t ask you to sacrifice your happiness. 

Enjoy all the kinds of love you fall into and learn something from each love, but don’t be to upset if it doesn’t last. 

Not all love is forever and once you find your forever love you will understand why the others couldn’t last. 

Wishing you all the best in love ❤️ 

Depression III

I think it’s eating my soul

As I once again fall

Oh now I feel it all

I was just fine this morning…

I’d tell them what was wrong 

If only I could figure out what’s going on
Come on, hold on! 

Why aren’t you strong? 
I stare blankly at the wall…the darkness looks so complicated 

I think about everything and how much I hate it. 
I don’t see it now but I know somehow a good day will come and although it won’t stay

It will be a moment… 
a moment free of sadness, a moment free of pain and a moment free of numbness. 
A free moment. 

Hate: A Valentines Day Edition 

It’s the love you try to push away,It’s the punishment for the one who didn’t stay.

It’s a devious little devilish way to only convince us we’re okay, 

When really it’s the monster causing all the pain… 

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and I’ve been seeing a lot of posts going around tackling the issue of love or romance. I was about to make a post about that myself; when something gave me the idea to write about the opposite: HATE. 

When I was little the word HATE was seen as a very strong, sinful word. If one of my friends or the kids in my class would use the word it would be followed by a gasp or scolding. 

As I got older the word started losing it’s intensity, and although us adults tend to casually throw the word around, we forget what a strong impact this word can have. Or should I rather say – this action…

When we are in pain or someone does us wrong or life doesn’t go our way we unintentionally build up a lot of hate towards that person or situation. We see hate as a punishment for the person who did us wrong or a defense mechanism against the pain or sadness. We think it’s easier to be angry or that we are hurting someone by hating them when in reality we are simply hurting and punishing ourselves. 

If sad is the opposite of happy and hate is the opposite of love then love can make you happy but hate can only make you sad. 
Read that again. 

So, for this Valentines Day, I am not telling you to love everyone but simply not to hate anyone. 

I could go on to tell you more about love but in all honesty I don’t know that much about love. I just know that the lack of it is bad and that the opposite of it is even worse. 

Happy Valentines Day! 💖

About your Blog

Glorified online journals – this is how an article on Huffpost discribes blogs from a few years back. This got me thinking… why do people blog today? 

I was playing with the idea of starting my own blog for a long time before I actually went ahead and did it. One of the reasons I was having doubts was because of the millions of other blogs that were already out there. 

I was constantly concerned that my new blog would simply get lost between the millions of other good ones; that there is so much good content out there that no one would be interested in anything I have to say. 

After a few months I decided to let go of this idea and make peace with the fact that if even 10 people read a post I make and take something from it that would be satisfying enough. 

It is now a few more months later and I am beyond satisfied with the fact that I did start a blog. 

That is my story… and I always wonder about other writer’s stories. When I read through all the different posts on WordPress I wonder what motivated each person to start a blog and what the inspiration behind every post is. 

I have many different things that inspire me: 

From the ideas that pop into my head at 3am – when I know I have to be up 2 hours later – to the tiny things that catch my eye when I’m driving, then tickles my mind. 

My moods especially, the happy moments when my heart’s joy bursts into creative words; the times when I feel extreme pain and writing is my only medicine. 
I would love to know what your reason was for starting a blog, or where you get your ideas for your posts. Let me know in a comment if you feel like sharing. 

To me this is just another bit of proof that writing is magic… look how a simple idea can burst into a significant story.

What would the world be without writers?! 

Depression II

It’s the monster that creeps in the night,
Except,

You can also see it during the day
It’s the thing that fights you everytime you try to feel okay

It’s the internal tears on a perfect day,

It’s the hurt you can’t push away

It’s the scars you create in your own heart

It’s the countless times you fall apart 

It’s the neverending dissappointment and pain

For reasons you can’t explain 
It comes with unpredictable timing, 

It’s stronger than you think
If you don’t end it, it will eventually end everything 

GONE

Your ghost is all over the house today – I touch the things your fingerprints stained…

How could you leave me this way?

The more I try to forget the worse it gets. The more I try to remember the scarier it becomes that I’ll miss you forever. 

Your voice echoes through my mind like my pain echoes through this room

Oh how I miss you

Let’s Test

How far would you go for someone you love? 

I am always the kind of person who would go out of my way for those I love. I would always be the friend who texts first and makes the plans, I would be the one who drives out to see my friends, I would even pay for our drinks and lunch from time to time. 

A few weeks ago however, I got into a car accident and broke two of my hip bones. This put me out of order: I was unable to walk, my car had been written off, I was too weak to text most of the time and basically I was just in stuck in bed to recover. 

This turned out to be a great test. With me being unable to do anything for anyone… Who would do something for me? 

I must say the result was pretty shocking. I got phone calls and visits and care packages from many of my loved ones, friends of mine who didn’t even have cars spend money on an Uber to make it to me, people found time in their busy schedules to send me their consent. Now these are the kind of people I want in my life. 

On the other hand some of the “friends” I’ve done so much for in the past were completely absent; they didn’t even care enough to ask how I was. I guess not everyone has the same kind heart that I have. 

This made me decide to filter my friend list. If someone would do nothing for me why should I do everything for them? Enough was enough. 

I highly recommend everyone to do this test. Now I’m not saying you should get into an accident and break your hip – in fact, please DON’T do that, it’s very painful – I’m just saying stop doing stuff for people for a while. 

Take a week and don’t drive to anyone, don’t make the first call, just stay at home and do your thing and see who comes your way. Those who do can stay. 

When we are kind and loving, people tend to take advantage of that and we tend to let them. Sometimes we forget to put ourselves first and we are so focused on how to keep others happy we don’t see that they are the reason for our own unhappiness. 

Don’t be afraid to edit your friend list very often – stop trying to win your friends over and rather make sure that they deserve you! 

Thank Goodness you are Sick! 

If we never became sick… Our bodies would just die without warning. 

I came across this statement in a video of Prince Ea, one of the most motivational people you’ll ever find. He used this statement to make another point, but it got me thinking about a lot of things… And I think I can convince you that being sick is a good thing. 

No one ever really enjoys being sick, I mean you might like having a day or two off of work, but for the most part we are all in a hurry to get better and move on with our lives. 

By being in a hurry to get better we often look straight for the solution; instead of thinking about what caused the sickness. Getting sick is our body’s final cry for help, it is a way to force us to stop continuing with our normal ways and take care of our bodies. 

Isn’t this the same with mental sickness? Or any sickness that comes into our lives; like jealousy or frustration? Are these not cries for help to stop and take care of ourselves too? 

You see, when you catch a cold you look at a few possible causes, like having a sick co-worker or not wearing your jacket when going outside. You then take a few days off to get better, a few supplements to strengthen your immune system, and you go back into the cold of winter being a bit more careful than before. 

So maybe this is how we should approach all the illnesses in our lives. When you are feeling sad, don’t complain about how bad your life is, rather look at the causes. Is it because of the people you surround yourself with or the job you have? Treat this illness and avoid it’s causes in the future. 

If you didn’t get angry everytime that guy did you wrong; you would probably have ended up marrying him. Thank goodness for your body warning you and keeping you back. 

From now on be happy for any sickness you might end up with, thank your body for warning you and instead of being in a hurry to get better remember to look at the reasons for this sickness and prevent yourself from catching it again. 

Be your own personal daily doctor, no one else is qualified to do this because no one knows you like you know yourself. 

For today I would just like to prescribe you happiness, free of charge. Don’t be afraid to take it! 

When Life stops handing you Lemons 

I don’t know if finding happiness is actually a thing; but if so I think I might have found it. At least for now…

I used to be on an endless search for the key to happiness and the one who would make me happy. This lead to a few too many failures and resulted in me giving up. Several times. 

Unintentionally, I stopped focusing on finding that one thing that would make me happy and slowly realized that maybe I shouldn’t focus on being happy but rather focus on not being sad. 

Happiness is a state of mind. 

These past few weeks I’ve found that by thinking positive made my life positive. I woke up one morning and decided it was going to be a good day, and so it was. 

Being happy isn’t one thing, it’s everything. It’s not a car or a guy, it’s noticing the green leaves and tasting the butter on your bread. 

The happier you are the more good things will come your way. Stop looking for happiness, let it find you. 

I wish everyone could get rich and famous and have everything they’ve ever dreamed of so they could know that’s not the answer. 

-Jim Carry

So when life hands you lemons and tired becomes more than just a feeling, pause and examine those lemons, throw away the bad ones and focus on the good ones. 

That way more good ones will come your way. 

A Life Letter to my Future Kids 

I don’t know much about life yet but let me tell you what I’ve learned so far:
There’s no right way to be human; there’s no right time to change. 

Life is a speeding roller coaster and it will go at any moment then come to a sudden stop or just break down and slowly stop the ride. 

Some days you will want to die, some days you’ll just be sad and some days you’ll be even sadder. 

You’ll get hurt, people will lie, your friends will leave you and you’ll be all on your own. After a while you’ll prefer it this way. Your heart will break many times but you’ll learn that it’s strong and it will heal everytime. 

The thing is nothing will last, feelings come and go, some days you’ll feel everything and other days you’ll feel nothing. I can’t tell you which is better but I will tell you to enjoy both. 

Learn from your heartbreaks and get up when you’re on the ground because you’re not going to find what you’re looking for there. 

When you do find what you’re looking for you’ll realize you want more so don’t stress about not getting what you want too much. Don’t hold on to what you have too tightly either, letting go is good. 

Rachel Firmin said that if I had known the freedom of letting go I would never have held on. 

If you must hold on to something hold on to what makes you happy, spend time in spaces that brings your heart joy and dance when the music is good. And if not; change the song. 

Do stupid things, because why the hell not. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up, love things with your heart and not your mind. Use your mind to make decisions and your heart to dream. Bite off more than you can chew and do brave things even when you’re scared. 

I hope that when your roller coaster ride stops your cheeks will be flushed, your hair will be messy and you’ll know more about life than I do now.